my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
