shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
