Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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