The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
