We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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