So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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