"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
