Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
