Ambien. No doubt about it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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