Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
