When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize