So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
