The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
