Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
