there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize