I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
