I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
operation have a gay friend backfired
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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