get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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