I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
