My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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