just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
