I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
