you would pick up someone in the library
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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