I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
