I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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