I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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