I was born with a shot glass in my hand
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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