I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
