Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
