every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
