drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
