According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
