If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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