there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
