...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
