Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
be right there i have to get my cape
And my parents said I crawled through the house
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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