So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
