I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
