accomplished twins. life is a go
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
