herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
