im about as happy as oj after his trial
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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