my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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