There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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