I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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