Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
