If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
