the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
