i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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