Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
