You're my little dorito
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
