You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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