new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
