Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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