So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
