My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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