got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
