Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
