And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
